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sureiSo. The attempt to return to Pomona failed. Well, actually, it went through successfully, everything went great, and then I had another breakdown, because the only options left open to me — correction. If I wanted to graduate from Pomona, then the only option that they would accept was one I couldn't stand. At all.
So I wrote to the dean, saying I'd had another breakdown (what they call a relapse, bah), now what?
She said that the school expected all sophomores to choose a major, so I, a senior, had to commit to a plan for graduation.
I said that I had committed to a plan/major, before it was taken away from me. Besides, that wasn't the issue. I'd had another breakdown, I felt trapped, help me. I also asked if maybe she skimmed instead of reading emails, or how else did she so completely get the wrong idea?
She said that she read every email closely and carefully drafted all of her replies, and that she hoped the trapped feelings would dissipate.
So my leave has been extended. By me, at least, so that's one less thing that has been taken out of my control.
But I'm still unhappy. And I'm in a hotel, for a convention, and I've retreated to the room we have because I can't find my parents and I don't have my cellphone with me (it was almost dead anyway, and I needed to copy a number, so it got left behind at home, I guess) so I can't call them or Liss, and I can't find the room they're supposed to be in, either. It was... 151? But it doesn't get any higher than 139. But I wasn't even thinking about this whole stupid leave/school/whatever thing before I started typing this entry, and I started crying a while before that, so I don't know why I'm so upset.
I want to go home (to when life was simpler and I didn't have to fight to be seen as a person). I want someone to hold me and comfort me. I want to talk to Liss (but she's at work, and I don't have my damn phone). Failing that, I want to play a game, but that's at home too. And while home is only four minutes away driving, it's 45-minute walk, and it's dark out and I'm not in the right frame of mind to be out, alone, at night, along a highway. I want to be happy again, dammit, as a regular occurrence. I want some idea of how to get ... any of the above.
I also want to stop crying, but I can't seem to do that either.
Adding to the list: I want to stop feeling helpless. I want to stop feeling useless. I want to stop feeling like a burden. I want to feel like I belong, again. I want to see friends again, without having to inconvenience someone, or jump through hoops. I want to have something to positively want, instead of an end to negatives.
I want Liss, and Kyle, and Izumi, and Liebe. And Louis and Lewis and Sylvia and Jesse and Jeff. I want...
Never mind.
So I wrote to the dean, saying I'd had another breakdown (what they call a relapse, bah), now what?
She said that the school expected all sophomores to choose a major, so I, a senior, had to commit to a plan for graduation.
I said that I had committed to a plan/major, before it was taken away from me. Besides, that wasn't the issue. I'd had another breakdown, I felt trapped, help me. I also asked if maybe she skimmed instead of reading emails, or how else did she so completely get the wrong idea?
She said that she read every email closely and carefully drafted all of her replies, and that she hoped the trapped feelings would dissipate.
So my leave has been extended. By me, at least, so that's one less thing that has been taken out of my control.
But I'm still unhappy. And I'm in a hotel, for a convention, and I've retreated to the room we have because I can't find my parents and I don't have my cellphone with me (it was almost dead anyway, and I needed to copy a number, so it got left behind at home, I guess) so I can't call them or Liss, and I can't find the room they're supposed to be in, either. It was... 151? But it doesn't get any higher than 139. But I wasn't even thinking about this whole stupid leave/school/whatever thing before I started typing this entry, and I started crying a while before that, so I don't know why I'm so upset.
I want to go home (to when life was simpler and I didn't have to fight to be seen as a person). I want someone to hold me and comfort me. I want to talk to Liss (but she's at work, and I don't have my damn phone). Failing that, I want to play a game, but that's at home too. And while home is only four minutes away driving, it's 45-minute walk, and it's dark out and I'm not in the right frame of mind to be out, alone, at night, along a highway. I want to be happy again, dammit, as a regular occurrence. I want some idea of how to get ... any of the above.
I also want to stop crying, but I can't seem to do that either.
Adding to the list: I want to stop feeling helpless. I want to stop feeling useless. I want to stop feeling like a burden. I want to feel like I belong, again. I want to see friends again, without having to inconvenience someone, or jump through hoops. I want to have something to positively want, instead of an end to negatives.
I want Liss, and Kyle, and Izumi, and Liebe. And Louis and Lewis and Sylvia and Jesse and Jeff. I want...
Never mind.