disappointment
Oct. 5th, 2006 12:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sureiSo. Now that I'm not weeping any more, I can look at things more clearly.
Pomona has been good for me, but I feel like I've stalled. I've made all these tiny concessions, and they've just built up until I'm no longer doing what I want to do. Where did theatre and math go and how did I end up with a historical IR paper? Oh, it's not in International Relations, but that's what it's about. My thesis is about how the US-Japan treaty of Kanegawa came to be, and what happened because of it. Math? So sorry, you've never managed to grasp the idea behind Calculus. Might as well give that up, you'll only struggle. Theatre? What, you don't want to learn what we want to teach, don't want to a play chosen for you? You'll never get anywhere with that attitude, might as well let it go. Japanese religion? Wow, interesting subject, wish we had more classes on it. Sorry, but that's not an option either. Oh, and did we mention, you have to go to Japan? What? Nonsense, everyone wants to go to Japan. It's part of the experience.
So instead, Japanese history. It's alright. I'd like it better if there were more than one prof who covers the subject, and if there were more classes on the time before international piss-fights and attempts to absorb someone else's culture. Heian period? Nope, sorry. Early shogunates, warring states period, Tokugawa? No, no, no. Try Asian Traditions, kid, maybe it'll be in there. Otherwise, it's all about Modern Japan. And you know? Fuck that. I don't want to learn about wars and death and oppression and depression and people dying in horrible ways. I did not need to know about young men unable to stand up straight, or about soldiers eating each other in the Philippines. I didn't even want to do history. Tell me about Shinto. Tell me about Zen, and Shingon, and Mt. Hiei. Tell me the folk tales. Show me the plays. Come on, who honestly wants to take class after class after class about people suffering?
Is ballroom worth it? Is voice worth it? ("Forcing me to learn about people hurting people is only going to hurt me.") Is the degree worth it? Are my friends worth it? ... No, not really. How can I dance if I just want to sleep? How can I sing if my voice is rough from crying? What the hell kind of good does a degree in Asian Studies do me if I don't want to go to grad school, or teach, or be a librarian? And what can I do with my friends if my life makes me unhappy?
Why am I going here? ... ... ... ... I don't know.
What do I want? ... Happiness. Security. Freedom to make choices.
Am I getting that? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... No. I'm not. Just the opposite, actually.
I had a thought. Two thoughts, actually. The first is: If I work for Pomona, I don't have to worry about being able to reunion at the right time to see everybody. I'll be there already. The second is: I'm already close to completing my major. What's more UNC has an Asian Studies program. What if I were to go home, complete the major, get the degree (so I have more options when it comes to jobs) and finish growing up where I have people I can rely on and a place I can live if need be, and then, when everything has settled, I can try again. In a couple years.
I think that maybe I should go back to Monsour tomorrow. I'm also coming to the conclusion that, even if the increased dosage works out, I need to seriously reconsider what I'm doing and why.
Pomona has been good for me, but I feel like I've stalled. I've made all these tiny concessions, and they've just built up until I'm no longer doing what I want to do. Where did theatre and math go and how did I end up with a historical IR paper? Oh, it's not in International Relations, but that's what it's about. My thesis is about how the US-Japan treaty of Kanegawa came to be, and what happened because of it. Math? So sorry, you've never managed to grasp the idea behind Calculus. Might as well give that up, you'll only struggle. Theatre? What, you don't want to learn what we want to teach, don't want to a play chosen for you? You'll never get anywhere with that attitude, might as well let it go. Japanese religion? Wow, interesting subject, wish we had more classes on it. Sorry, but that's not an option either. Oh, and did we mention, you have to go to Japan? What? Nonsense, everyone wants to go to Japan. It's part of the experience.
So instead, Japanese history. It's alright. I'd like it better if there were more than one prof who covers the subject, and if there were more classes on the time before international piss-fights and attempts to absorb someone else's culture. Heian period? Nope, sorry. Early shogunates, warring states period, Tokugawa? No, no, no. Try Asian Traditions, kid, maybe it'll be in there. Otherwise, it's all about Modern Japan. And you know? Fuck that. I don't want to learn about wars and death and oppression and depression and people dying in horrible ways. I did not need to know about young men unable to stand up straight, or about soldiers eating each other in the Philippines. I didn't even want to do history. Tell me about Shinto. Tell me about Zen, and Shingon, and Mt. Hiei. Tell me the folk tales. Show me the plays. Come on, who honestly wants to take class after class after class about people suffering?
Is ballroom worth it? Is voice worth it? ("Forcing me to learn about people hurting people is only going to hurt me.") Is the degree worth it? Are my friends worth it? ... No, not really. How can I dance if I just want to sleep? How can I sing if my voice is rough from crying? What the hell kind of good does a degree in Asian Studies do me if I don't want to go to grad school, or teach, or be a librarian? And what can I do with my friends if my life makes me unhappy?
Why am I going here? ... ... ... ... I don't know.
What do I want? ... Happiness. Security. Freedom to make choices.
Am I getting that? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... No. I'm not. Just the opposite, actually.
I had a thought. Two thoughts, actually. The first is: If I work for Pomona, I don't have to worry about being able to reunion at the right time to see everybody. I'll be there already. The second is: I'm already close to completing my major. What's more UNC has an Asian Studies program. What if I were to go home, complete the major, get the degree (so I have more options when it comes to jobs) and finish growing up where I have people I can rely on and a place I can live if need be, and then, when everything has settled, I can try again. In a couple years.
I think that maybe I should go back to Monsour tomorrow. I'm also coming to the conclusion that, even if the increased dosage works out, I need to seriously reconsider what I'm doing and why.