I think I've figured out what my problem is - for some reason I have abandonment issues. It probably has something to do with the natural nightmares an nine-year-old has, just in growing up, combined with friends that later deserted me in favor of more pleasant pasttimes.
In other words, what I'm afraid of the most - more than failure or getting lost or disappointment or even (in a way) death - is being forgotten, or - worse still - being deliberately driven away.
Unfortunatley, the people who stayed over break - the ones that I manage to hang out with, that is - both like things that disturb me (such as food mixed disgustingly or spitting or other things that make me gag) and are not particularly thoughtful.
I'm sure they just don't think of what it's doing to me, or they don't notice, or something like that.
It's preferable to the other two options: (1) they don't care, or (2) they don't want me around, and are doing this to make me go away.
They're not mature in the same way I am, they haven't had the same family experiences, they're not used to having to consider everyone's reactions and put other people before themselves - especially when it's something that seems trivial and they're having fun. I can accept that.
But, yeah, if I have abandonment issues, that would explain a lot.
In other words, what I'm afraid of the most - more than failure or getting lost or disappointment or even (in a way) death - is being forgotten, or - worse still - being deliberately driven away.
Unfortunatley, the people who stayed over break - the ones that I manage to hang out with, that is - both like things that disturb me (such as food mixed disgustingly or spitting or other things that make me gag) and are not particularly thoughtful.
I'm sure they just don't think of what it's doing to me, or they don't notice, or something like that.
It's preferable to the other two options: (1) they don't care, or (2) they don't want me around, and are doing this to make me go away.
They're not mature in the same way I am, they haven't had the same family experiences, they're not used to having to consider everyone's reactions and put other people before themselves - especially when it's something that seems trivial and they're having fun. I can accept that.
But, yeah, if I have abandonment issues, that would explain a lot.