invisible me
Oct. 18th, 2003 08:06 pmI haven't felt homesick yet, but sometimes I feel like I do right now (two times, whatever).
I wasn't feeling all that well around the time dinner began, so I lay down for a bit to wait to feel better. One of those things that you catch really early, but if you let it go on, it's nasty. Anyway, I could tell people were around and feeling restless, and I thought that maybe I could ask Brandon to get me something to drink and then I'd go into the Village and get food there because I didn't want to go all the way up to Frary.
It didn't happen. He and his friends left without noticing me.
Most everything else was imagined, but still! I'm sitting here, crying, and I was crying for a little while as I woke up (as this mood was descending on me) and people passing by my open door didn't notice. As far as I can tell, no one has even noticed that I didn't get to dinner or that they haven't seen me since brunch.
I'm just feeling... forgotten. Alone. I could say I was homesick, because I know that it wouldn't be the same as at home. There would always be at least someone around, and something to eat without having to walk several blocks first.
I would eat, but it's dark out and I don't want to go alone because there are people like that, even if it is Claremont, but I don't think anyone will go with me, so I can't go. Or I could try and order, but that takes 45 minutes, and I'd again need some help because the orders have to be over $10 to take away the delivery charge and the dishes are really cheap -- and I don't really want Thai food or pizza, anyway! I just want some fried rice or something.
And it really isn't helping that people - both who I know and who I don't - are passing by and they're still not noticing.
But it's not really homesick, because I'd feel sortof the same way at home if none of my friends made any effort to contact me, only not so intense because there'd be someone - namely my parents.
But I'm all alone now. And I feel like, no matter how much I care about them, they still can't care about me.
I just want a hug, dammit, and I'm probably not going to get one.
I wasn't feeling all that well around the time dinner began, so I lay down for a bit to wait to feel better. One of those things that you catch really early, but if you let it go on, it's nasty. Anyway, I could tell people were around and feeling restless, and I thought that maybe I could ask Brandon to get me something to drink and then I'd go into the Village and get food there because I didn't want to go all the way up to Frary.
It didn't happen. He and his friends left without noticing me.
Most everything else was imagined, but still! I'm sitting here, crying, and I was crying for a little while as I woke up (as this mood was descending on me) and people passing by my open door didn't notice. As far as I can tell, no one has even noticed that I didn't get to dinner or that they haven't seen me since brunch.
I'm just feeling... forgotten. Alone. I could say I was homesick, because I know that it wouldn't be the same as at home. There would always be at least someone around, and something to eat without having to walk several blocks first.
I would eat, but it's dark out and I don't want to go alone because there are people like that, even if it is Claremont, but I don't think anyone will go with me, so I can't go. Or I could try and order, but that takes 45 minutes, and I'd again need some help because the orders have to be over $10 to take away the delivery charge and the dishes are really cheap -- and I don't really want Thai food or pizza, anyway! I just want some fried rice or something.
And it really isn't helping that people - both who I know and who I don't - are passing by and they're still not noticing.
But it's not really homesick, because I'd feel sortof the same way at home if none of my friends made any effort to contact me, only not so intense because there'd be someone - namely my parents.
But I'm all alone now. And I feel like, no matter how much I care about them, they still can't care about me.
I just want a hug, dammit, and I'm probably not going to get one.