(no subject)

It feels like there's two different people living inside of me. One is the person I am (usually) around others: bright, cheerful, confident, optimistic. The other one comes out when I'm tired, or lonely, or hurt. It's depressed, lost, hopeless, needy. I've suspected the first of being a mask, but at the times when I'm like that, I'm honestly like that, and the periods when I'm like this (as I am now) don't really bother me. I say, "oh well," and move on. I'm good at that.

Thisness started off pretty rare: maybe a couple times a year, and I mostly ignored it because talking with the available councellor really wasn't helping. It's been increasing to the point of a couple times a month, practically once a week. I'm realizing the need to talk to someone about it, but I'm afraid that they won't understand, and I'm afraid I'll lose myself.

I was thinking about the future, and I realized that I don't really have one set out that I particularly like; that I really just want to keep learning, but I can't do that and everything's going to wind up going in circles if I'm not careful, and circles eat away at you. They destroy you and your vision gets muddled and confused and you get lost, and then you lose everything and have to start off from scratch all over again.

And I know, that when I read this tomorrow morning, when I'm all happy and cheerful and optimistic again, it won't seem to connect, and I'll just be vaguely embarrassed by it.

People aren't supposed to be like this. They're not supposed to be this unhappy regularly. They're not supposed to swing back and forth like this, only it's not really like a pendulum, it's like going in circles.

I want to escape this, but I can't, because this is life, and dreams never last forever.

comp troubles

So my computer decided to go into a coma. I'm reduced to labs until it decides to wake up (or the nice people who know what they're doing make it) and this, of course, is not something that makes me a happy person. In fact, I indulged in a mild thrashing fit because I was so damn frustrated with the whole thing. Luckily, it gave me a clue, and now I know that the reason it won't respond to me, its loving and only user, is because there seems to be something wrong with the hardware. Lovely. At least it's out of my hands, there's nothing more I can do, and I had a long, calming talk with mine father, who is a god when it comes to helping me deal with computers. And a ton of other stuff, but he made my heart calm down, my tears stop, and my headache go away, all while walking me through exploring the problem - over the phone - as well as I could with the stuff I've got here, which is admittedly not all that much.

Assuming I don't feel the need to blather at you all strongly enough to leave my room, go downstairs, and deal with a shakey table, I probably will not be back until my computer is. Sorry if I upset anyone at table today.