I hate it when the light flickers.

I also really don't like the super-wide-awake feeling I have right now - I think it's a leftover from the stage managing I did two years ago (and let me tell you, 10-15 hours a week, not including weekends, is way too much to add to high school hours and homework time). I'd be okay, normally awake for a while, then get tired, then pass that into hyperactivity (and superawakeness like now; my eyes feel too open and dried stuck that way) and then get tired, then hyper, and so on in a continuous cycle until I slept. As time passed, the normally awake period got shorter and shorter until it was nonexistant, and so did the periods of non-REM sleep. Really. I'd dream if I just napped for five minutes between classes, or like that, and my head felt so full whenever I woke up.

I always push myself too hard. It's because, I think, I'm an adrenaline junkie, but I don't like being scared or startled. No rollercoasters, no thrillers, not even any sort of extended targeting teams games like paint ball or snowball fights or like that. Not that I've ever been really invited to take part in such activities, but I'm not going to get depressed right now. I know that while I'm distinctive so that most people know me, and many people may like me, there's a fair number who also dislike me, disapprove of me, are frightened by me in a not-good-way, and so on. Yes, I've been accused of being an emotional vampire. I interrupted his rant by hitting him for it. Anyway. Most of those people who like me, who are my friends, probably feel that friendship casually: a nice person to talk to, if they're around, but not someone you call up and make plans with. Like that.

I'm getting off-topic.

I always push myself too hard. I love the adrenaline rush (it's why I wanted to be an actor) so I push and push until I get it, and I exhult in it while whatever I'm doing lasts, and then I have to pay the consequences. They can be painful, like difficulty walking due to over-stretched-and-thus-very-tight leg muscles, or commonplace, like headaches, nosebleeds, and misplaced tendons, or annoying, like this superawakeness I'm having now. I loved the dance practice (stiff muscles), the reading (headaches), the end of stress (nosebleeds), the stretching (tendons), and being a stage manager (hyper stage). I don't like what they cause, but there's nothing I can do about it, since I agreed with my body some time ago that in return for doing whatever I wanted regardless of it, I wouldn't try to silence its complaints. Even if they're sometimes just because it hates me. Right. I don't like the prices I pay for doing what I did, but there's nothing I can do about it, so there's no point fussing over it. I just like to rant occasionally. Or ramble, as the case may be.

I figured out a long time ago that I tend to live in the present, drifting from day to day. Never mind the past, never mind the future. Don't worry: there's no point, since it's impossible to change one, and the other is unknown. That whole "no crying over spilt milk" really applies to me. The last time I cried over something that couldn't be helped...

Um...

I can't remember.

Now I think about it, I really only cry when I'm depressed, or in those really random moments when it feels like someone else is doing it instead of me because I don't exactly have control over myself and I don't feel anything except maybe confusiong, like Why am I doing this? Is it me doing this? Huh, I can't stop. That's weird.

I think I've "talked" myself into a less superawake phase, so I'm going to see if I can go to sleep. 'Night.