I am coming out of best-friend withdrawl. I hadn't even realized I was in it - I mean, I was pretty happy, usually content to be with the people here, and there are certain things about living on the West Coast (warmer weather, lots more Japanese and Chinese and Korean and-and-and, no awful Southern country accents, etc) that I do prefer, but: geck.
I miss my best friend, dammit!
And even though we're growing apart (somehow I don't think a Naturalist's degree and a major in Asian Studies overlap much) and meeting and living with new people (we are both going to colleges, only on opposite sides of the country) and maybe even moving on, I've yet to find another person who even has the potential of being a bond-sister to me. The occasional crush, yes, the occasional close friend, yes, the many many many acquaintances, yes, and the not-quite-so-large numbers of people I can just randomly talk to, yes, but--
I can't really explain it. When you have someone like that, you know what I mean. If you don't, you don't, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm an only child, and I have issues, and I often find it hard to get along with people without putting on a mask. But I could and did (albeit for very short periods of time) live with this wonderful person who is my best friend, in the real living-together style, not the sharing-a-room-but-with-seperate-lives style, and I still think I probably would have been happy to do so for the rest of my life.
It's like marriage - that's it! It's like marriage, only without the legal contract or the romantic interest or the sex (well, not with each other, and not for me). It's something that makes you family.
Anyway.
I get into a case of withdrawl - which means decreased imagination, decreased interest in my own work, greater tendency to boredom, etc - but I'm still pretty okay with my life, and I think things are fine.
And then, after several months, computer problems are fixed and we have connection!
And I realize what I've been missing.
(I'm feeling kind of maudlin right now - I don't think like this all the time. And I also figured out why I was so irritated by a newer friend who's never met me and wrote me off as "old hat" - and that's a quote. I'm also feeling kind of homesick, since the hall's attitude towards me is one of toleration more than anything else, and I'm sitting alone and being hit by depression while everyone else is out partying. (And I really want a hug.))
(Of course, the worst thing is the feeling that I can't even do anything about it. You know how they say, "talk to the person, tell them how you feel"? Usually I'm met by disbelief, contempt, or it's taken as something to use against me in the future. And yet I can't help hoping that someone will pass by my open door and notice my red eyes and ask me what's wrong, though I know that won't happen.)
(Sometimes I think I'm bipolar. I'll be fine tomorrow.)
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