first fall
Apr. 1st, 2005 02:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sureiSo the numbers for my particular interest are supposed to be posted sometime today, and as the time draws nearer, I find myself becoming increasingly pessimistic. Yes, I have stronger recommendations this year than I did last, and I got in last, even though only about half of the people applying did, but apparently there's a lot of people applying this year, and a strong pool is ultimately the cause of my other rejection. At least, that's the way it was presented to me.
So even as I struggle through inventing a way to tie an obi that follows the original idea while taking into account both my larger size and lack of the cushioning necessary for this particular style, I'm going back over what I'll do if the Borg decides I'm not good enough for Japanese hall this time round. You'd think, you know... I'm the film tech, had a major participation in the special dinner, will be an upperclassman, and know more Japanese this year than I did last, but against that is the fact that it's a second-time application, and I may (I don't know yet) be in Japan next spring, and first time people have a slight advantage, and year-long people have a bigger one. Of course, I might also be here all year, but they probably didn't look at it that way.
And at times like these, I'm glad I make back up plans for back up plans, as it were. That is, I say, "I'm applying for this and for that, and if I get into this, then I'm doing it, and if I don't get into this and I do get into that, I'm doing that, and if I don't get into either, I'm doing the other thing." Of course, rejection is a weak point of mine, and I really don't know what I'll do if I'm unable to do this, that, or the other thing, except cry and feel lonely and probably get depressed.
Anyway. This has already said no, and that is what I'm worrying about right now, and the other thing I haven't even really discussed yet, because I didn't want to raise expectations when the opportunity might not even come about. I want to live with people I know and like, but that's kind of hard when most everyone's either a rising sophomore who seems to have a better chance at what you want than you, or a rising junior who's studying abroad.
I guess I'm just anticipating feeling left behind again.
And now that that I've got that written out, I'm hoping it won't have been necessary (or maybe even that it was - I rather like the idea of the other thing, but it's extremely uncertain) and in any case, I can pull myself back out of that piece of depression. A headlong fall is often better than a slower one assaulted by anxiety, because then you can get over it. And the new way of tieing the obi seems more secure than the last one, so I'm happy about that, even if it does make my arms hurt.
I'm getting a little tired of folding cranes, but I tell myself I just have to finish half of them before next week, and I'll have half that week off if I want it. Or I could just take off the rest of today and do one on Monday and be up to schedule through Tuesday. And I can sew a bit, or draw some before getting back to it.
So even as I struggle through inventing a way to tie an obi that follows the original idea while taking into account both my larger size and lack of the cushioning necessary for this particular style, I'm going back over what I'll do if the Borg decides I'm not good enough for Japanese hall this time round. You'd think, you know... I'm the film tech, had a major participation in the special dinner, will be an upperclassman, and know more Japanese this year than I did last, but against that is the fact that it's a second-time application, and I may (I don't know yet) be in Japan next spring, and first time people have a slight advantage, and year-long people have a bigger one. Of course, I might also be here all year, but they probably didn't look at it that way.
And at times like these, I'm glad I make back up plans for back up plans, as it were. That is, I say, "I'm applying for this and for that, and if I get into this, then I'm doing it, and if I don't get into this and I do get into that, I'm doing that, and if I don't get into either, I'm doing the other thing." Of course, rejection is a weak point of mine, and I really don't know what I'll do if I'm unable to do this, that, or the other thing, except cry and feel lonely and probably get depressed.
Anyway. This has already said no, and that is what I'm worrying about right now, and the other thing I haven't even really discussed yet, because I didn't want to raise expectations when the opportunity might not even come about. I want to live with people I know and like, but that's kind of hard when most everyone's either a rising sophomore who seems to have a better chance at what you want than you, or a rising junior who's studying abroad.
I guess I'm just anticipating feeling left behind again.
And now that that I've got that written out, I'm hoping it won't have been necessary (or maybe even that it was - I rather like the idea of the other thing, but it's extremely uncertain) and in any case, I can pull myself back out of that piece of depression. A headlong fall is often better than a slower one assaulted by anxiety, because then you can get over it. And the new way of tieing the obi seems more secure than the last one, so I'm happy about that, even if it does make my arms hurt.
I'm getting a little tired of folding cranes, but I tell myself I just have to finish half of them before next week, and I'll have half that week off if I want it. Or I could just take off the rest of today and do one on Monday and be up to schedule through Tuesday. And I can sew a bit, or draw some before getting back to it.